I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
