im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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