i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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