Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize