What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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