Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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