my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I enjoy the company of your penis
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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