Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
