I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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