Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
