I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
too bad you live with your parents still
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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