I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
