I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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