Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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