there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize