I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
