last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
