8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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