I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
