people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
