It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
