I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
