Just cropdusted the office
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you had me at cake vodka
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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