franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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