I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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