maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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