Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
