i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
