I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
oh god was she eating orange peels again
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
