you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
