I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
