finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
