Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
