sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
