I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
