I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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