I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
