Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
