You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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