dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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