If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
