I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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