Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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