this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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