i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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