Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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