Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
