I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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