There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize