I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize