FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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