My boss' voice literally gives me gas
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
