i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sorry about my life...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
