And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
