My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
