My hand turned me down
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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