i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
is wine microwaveable?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
