why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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