I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
