im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
